Last Night…

Last night someone told me that he loved me. He told me that I was beautiful, wonderful, perfect. He promised that he would never leave me, that he wanted me to belong to him and that he belongs to me. I should’ve been happy. I wasn’t.

As I watched his sleep and listened to his breathing, I started to wonder about his sentiments and the feelings they caused. I held his sleeping body close as tears fell silently down my face. I cried for my memories, for every unfulfilled promise and broken heart. Would they keep me from ever trusting anyone again?

I sat up slowly, careful not to upset him. Reaching for my cigarettes I light one and watched the smouldering tip moving in the dark. If I can just let myself be happy in this moment and not worry about forever, things would be so much easier. If only I could.

I tiptoed to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I wiped away the tracks that tears had left behind. Staring hard at my own face, I try to figure out just what it is that I want.

To have a relationship is very much like a gamble. You can speculate and calculate and anticipate every possible outcome yet nothing in it is ever absolute. In the end, all you can do is throw the dice and hope for the best.

I pondered this analogy as I took a drag of my cigarette and blew smoke onto the mirror. Problem is I’ve never been much of a gambler, only betting when I’m sure of winning and even then never a large amount. Therefore in the case of a relationship, in which I put my heart on the line as the biggest bet I can make, I need to be absolutely certain. Yet how can you expect certainty from something that is never certain?

I stepped out from the bathroom and closed the door. Trying to find my way in the dark, I walked quietly back to bed. I gazed at his sleeping body under the faint glow of phosphorescent stars on the ceiling, still wondering how to tell him that I love him yet can’t trust him and therefore will never be his.

I wish the sun would never rise and that the night would last forever. If only tomorrow never comes and we could stay where we are, untouched by time. I wish I could close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat, safely protected by the comfortable darkness. But tomorrow will come and the sun will rise again.

In the morning light two hearts will be broken.

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