I sat silently as the cab made its way through the clear Sunday afternoon traffic to the airport. Staring at the passing sights outside my window, I found myself wishing that it didn’t have to end. Disquietingly, feelings started bubbling to the surface and threatened to spill out the corners of my eyes. I quickly slapped on my shades to avoid the inquisitive eyes of the driver in the rear view mirror and leaned my head back, inhaling deeply, trying to calm whatever turmoil my melodramatic heart was putting itself through.
After all these years I’ve never learned how to not wish for the impossible, always wanting more than what was probable. Hope is always lurking somewhere, creating illusions of probability when there isn’t any. I promised myself that I would only love without expectations but it’s not an easy promise to keep. Despite my careful attempts to protect my heart I end up breaking it, again shattering it to pieces with dreams that would never come true.
The taxi came to a halt at the terminal and so did my reverie. After two days of escape, a plane would take me to Indonesia, back to my life, to reality. Funny how at times dreams feel more real to me and how often I wish that I could stay there forever.
After checking in, I wandered aimlessly until I found a smoking area and sat myself down, emotional baggage and all, lit a cigarette and let my mind wander in the midst of the smoky haze, wondering about life and the directions that it takes, about dreams and promises and every heartache in between.
He held me close last night as I clung desperately to his body, unable to find the words to say what I was feeling inside.
“You know I love you?” he’d said.
I nodded slightly in the darkness, holding him closer and wishing that time and space would dissolve somehow. But morning came too quickly and withered my fantasy with the first beam of sunrise.
A voice came through the speakers calling passengers to the boarding gate and for a moment, for the slightest moment I considered going back where the Intercontinental would be waiting and so would he.
“Stay.” He’d implored as I was packing my overnight bag. “Just for another day or two.”
I shook my head and mumbled something about work, avoiding his eyes because I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth; that I was looking for forever and happily ever after.
Hoisting my bag onto my shoulder, I made my way among other passengers until I boarded the plane. True to life’s tragic-comedy sense of humor, I was seated next to a couple. After they sat down, the man kissed the girl on the cheek and she giggled. Then they glanced at me with the broad, lighthearted grin of people in love and I managed a weak smile in return before turning my head away.
I closed my eyes as the plane started to taxi, and once again I saw him standing there as the cab pulled away from the hotel, looking at me looking back. As he disappeared from sight my mobile phone beeped an incoming message. I fished it out of my bag and read the text:
“Missing you already.”
I stared out the plane window and searched the blue skies for an answer. Somewhere among the drifting clouds is the life I’m supposed to be living. If only it were that easy to just leave everything behind and walk away. I closed my eyes as a single tear finally slid down my cheek. Then leaning back, I went home to my dreams.
“It must have been love
But it’s over now
It must’ve been good
But I lost it somehow”
It Must Have Been Love – Roxette