In the Heights of Heaven and Depths of Hell

Here we go again. I’m back at the place that I desperately try to run away from and secretly wish to come back to. Love. And not just any kind of love. This is the overtaking, paralyzing, and overwhelming kind. All I want to do is listen to you and speak to you and see you and miss you. And constantly think of you, wondering what you’re doing, where you are, and what you are feeling and thinking. My ego is fighting a battle with my heart and I’m caught in the crossfire. Love is both heaven and hell.

Why is it you? We both know that you’re wrong for me and I’m absolutely not the one for you. Are we simply each other’s distractions from what and where we should be being and going? Why did I feel the way I felt when I met you the first time? Why did you? We both know this can’t possibly go anywhere. This is not lust. This is not desire. This is not what I’m used to. But I am undeniably, inexplicably in love with you.

You belong to someone else and it’s not someone I can or will compete with because I can’t possibly offer what she can. I’m a mess, a train wreck, the human equivalent of a headlong collision. So I’m not even going to try. You deserve better. And though my ego writhes as I write this, that is not me.

So what is there to do now? Control this feeling? Suppress it? Kill it? I can and I will if you ask me to. But I’ve already said that I don’t want your heart or even your body. All I want to do is just to love.

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