Ain’t Never Getting Mine

Few of us are free from expectations. To want is human and as long as we’re granted physical existence, to be completely rid of any kind of expectation whatsoever is almost impossible. It is possible, however, to adjust or modify our expectations – unless of course we have serious self-control issues in which case I advise to stop reading this blog and seek professional help because this ain’t it.

For those of you who are still reading, congratulations. Oh, and brace yourself because being the fabulously delusional self-obsessed egocentric that I am, I’m going to tell you a little story about – who else? – me.

Last year, I had a falling out with someone who used to be a very close friend of mine. He was one of the very few that I admitted into my life and revealed secrets to, discussed things and most of all, shared things with. For me, that’s a big – nay, huge – deal because, well, I don’t share. Years of trust issues have developed into a self-preservation instinct much like the human equivalent of mimosa pudica: covered with tiny thorns and instantly closing at the slightest provocation. Yet no man being an island and whatnot, I do make exceptions. This one exception, however, came to be a disappointment mostly due to my unrealistic expectations of what a friend is: civil, kind, honest, understanding, accepting, and sincere. Foolish of me to expect that from everyone while knowing people most probably have their own agenda.

I will not go into details about what happened because we are talking about a specific person and the rules of propriety that I laid down consider it distasteful, especially considering how it’s been more than sufficiently broadcasted by the other party in question, in which of course he plays the guileless, faultless, blameless victim. But then again, to each his own. I’ve got enough drama to even do a cameo in someone else’s, especially if that someone else is known to be addicted to the spotlight and steps on your cues. After all, it was not the first time that the same thing happened with the same person so it was very much a fool-me-once-shame-on-you-fool-me-twice-shame-on-me situation. And indeed I was a fool, for believing that people can change, for giving someone a second chance – undeserved as it might have been, and for opening my heart again while being very much aware that it can so easily be bruised and battered.

This time around, though, I’m done. Knowing what he’s capable of, there is no way I can possibly let him back in. I may be a fool but I’m not a mentally challenged nor am I that emotionally sadomasochistic. All I can do now is walk away; and if in the process of separating our threads of existence I have to sacrifice friendships and exit societies – friends and societies I introduced him to in the first place, mind you – so be it. He was the one who sent the text messages to the effect of terminating the friendship, or whatever remained of it, in which he promised that he would leave me alone and to which I obliged, for what was the point of fighting for something – or someone – who wants to leave you in the first place?

Yet now, I find that even in my very limited sphere of existence in which I only hold on to even fewer things and people that are dear to me, he’s still skirting the periphery, which bring me back to the topic at hand and makes me wonder. What else can he possibly want? What more had I not given? Should I sacrifice even more of my existence to satisfy his wants and expectations? Honestly, I can and I will. It will hurt but if that’s what it takes for me to stay in the ignorance of his existence, I won’t give it a second thought. In any case, it would still hurt less than what he did – or is capable of doing – because we all know that no one can hurt you more than a friend. He may take whatever and whoever he wishes and I will, as always, let go and walk away from whatever or whoever it may be because for something or someone to be willingly taken by him would define their own value. And like I said, what’s the point of fighting for anything or anyone that’s not worth fighting for?

I don’t want anything anymore, or at least none that you can possibly give. So indulge your wants and expectations. I’ll be fine. I have those that I love and that love me back and I have the one thing you will never ever have again nor can ever be: me.

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