I never thought I would end up here.
Once upon a time, I was a very arrogant, selfish bastard with attitude to spare and Daddy’s money to throw around. Things came easy. Whatever problems I had were easily solved or at least quickly forgotten. Money may be the root of all evil but boy can it afford amusements and distractions. And now? Well, now I have to learn to support myself and work (gasp!) and scrimp and save and rely on the kindness and generosity of my sisters and friends just to make it through each day.
I really never thought I would end up here.
But you know what? I don’t mind it. Well, at least not anymore. After the initial shock, several months of depression, denial attempts, and some years of adjustment period wear off, I can even say that I’m grateful that it happened. My identity used to be very closely intertwined with my money (and my car and my jewellery and my skin and hair care and the list goes on and on), which was of course directly connected to my social status and the treatment that I was used to and expected in getting. And now, though the view from the other side is not necessarily better, it’s clearer. It’s easier now to recognize who were around me for my money or my status or whatever I offered and represented. It’s also easier to be grateful and not take things and people for granted. I guess it’s true what they say, you really don’t know what you got till it’s gone. Not that I want to get it back. It would be great if I do, but it’s not going to affect me in any way even if I don’t.
I’m just happy. Some people say too happy. Too strangely happy. Mostly because there’s no reason to it, or at least no obvious reason that people accept as a basis for happiness. It’s not born out of the achievement of a goal or fulfillment of a wish. It’s not the by-product of having fame or wealth or a relationship or any of the things that people find so essential for their happiness. It’s not even the wonderful effects of happy pills that I used to take almost everyday. This happiness just is.
I want nothing, or at least as little as I can possibly manage. I guess that’s where it comes from. Not wanting anything means never worrying if you’ll ever get it. If you don’t want something you won’t be disappointed if you don’t get it. Accepting things (and people) as they are means you can’t be let down when they don’t turn out like you want them to be.
So I go through each day, taking whatever life throws my way. I guess my lesson is that happiness isn’t in always getting what you want, but in accepting what you get, no matter what it may be.