Have been plagued with general thoughts and feelings of ‘being the only one’ lately. You know, that profound disconnectedness from the rest of the world that’s often tricky to shake off. Not that I’m special, which would make me cool. Unfortunately I’m just weird, which totally pushes me in the opposite direction. No, not hot. Just uncool. And while it’s true that I’ve long ago accepted that being an outsider -even among other outsiders- is just a natural fact that I have to live with, I still wonder about its recent prominent resurfacing.
I suppose that it mostly has to do with my inability or unwillingness to adapt to the direction and pace of modern life around me. People have this need to feel like they’re going somewhere and they pursue it with gusto, whether it’s their career or relationship or interest or passion or hobby or any particular purpose, whether imaginary or factual, whether profound or temporary. And they do it at such breakneck speed. I have to have it and I have to have it now. Well the thing is, I don’t.
So, where does that leave me?
As it seems, much behind. And very much alone. And I get it. It’s not so much that those close to me don’t want me in their lives, it’s just difficult to find the space and time to fit me in their hectic and often crazy schedules. Which is why this is not so much a complaint as it is an observation. A simple is as opposed to a demanding should be.
Yet after all is said and done, it still feels strange sometimes.