Saturday morning and I can’t sleep. Instead I’m chain-smoking and blankly staring at the patterns that the sunlight makes as it passes through the swirly curtain and hits the marble floor. Had an awesome organic trip last night courtesy of some psychedelic mushrooms mail-ordered from Bali with my sisters and some of our friends at home. Lots of hysterical laughter and random jokes and general camaraderie all around. Wound down hours ago and I’m feeling kind of drowsy but am yet to let go. Lost again in mellow thoughts as I usually am after every and any kind of trip. This time it’s better, though: as in not quite as depressive as previous weeks when most things lose meaning and not-quite-suicidal-but-anxiety-provoking emotions surge up and well out of me. Yea, this is a smooth touchdown.
Still… (Yep, there’s always something, eh?)
Still I wish I had someone here with me. Someone who wants me, whom I want right back. Someone I can just cuddle with, no worries, no clothes, no drama. Someone I can just be myself with instead of an edited version that they wish to see. Someone to finally belong to.
But that ain’t happening anytime soon, now is it? Instead I get offers of one-night-stands and romantic bullshit that everyone with half a brain knows will eventually go nowhere. Yes, both can be distracting and amusing for some time but boy, they get real boring real fast. Aaand my quest to find new friends seems to be hitting a brick wall as well. Either they don’t find me interesting or I find them boring. Either way, not exactly the recipe for a long and lasting friendship.
Still… (Yep, again.)
Still, I can’t really complain. My relationships, whether romantic or platonic, have always just happened. I’m a big believer in chemistry and if it isn’t there, then it just isn’t. Sure they need regular upkeep to maintain but the beginning, due to connections or vibes or whatever you want to call it, just [BAM!], happens. Anything less feels like make-believe or imitation or (shudders) work.
Honestly, lately, it’s been a whole lot of blah.