Get up, shake it off, and move on. Easier said than done, yes, but since it must be done, it is what I will do anyway.
Let’s go back in time to approximately three weeks ago, when I met someone online whom I proceeded to meet in person. We shall refer to him as Unibrow. As is usual with me, everything went in fast-forward: from the first handshake to the first kiss to first sex to first fight to first break-up to first get-back-together. It wasn’t love on his side, although he was absolutely convinced otherwise. The best I’d put it, what he felt was infatuation, that overwhelming -albeit temporary- emotion that disguises itself as love extremely well. And as is also usual with me, it ended.
“I can’t be who you want me to be,” came the statement one time during dinner.
I looked at him across the formica table of the restaurant and asked, “And who is that?”
He took a moment, seemingly to collect his thoughts before answering, “I can’t prioritise you. I can’t promise absolute loyalty. I’m not yet ready to commit.”
“When exactly have I asked for those things?” I fired back.
“Well, never,” he hesitated. “But those are the things that you give and I can’t give the same things in return.”
I inhaled deeply and exhaled, taking my time; lowering my gaze to the tabletop to resist the temptation of throwing my glass of water in his face. Or the ashtray. Both satisfying options but definitely too dramatic.
“You were the one who wanted this.” I said. “When I asked, you said that you don’t want me to see other men and you want this to be exclusive. But you know what? It’s fine.” I smiled, picked up my cigarette, lighter, and mobile phone from the table and got up from my seat.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
I shot him a look, “Oh sorry, didn’t you just give me a clear dismissal? I just need to be somewhere that isn’t here.”
He looked down and pulled one of his heavily practised miserable looks. “I still want you, though.”
“Oh we can still be friends.” I told him.
He tried throwing the look in my direction, “But I don’t want you just as a friend.”
During the course of my life I’ve been -rightfully- accused of loving too fast, too hard, and too deep as well as warned that too much is never advisable and comes at a hefty price. I know that. I know that betting it all comes with the risk of losing it all. Therefore, when it happens and the pain inevitably comes I can’t really complain about it, can I? Can’t say I want something then bitch and moan and balk when paying time’s due because that would mean that I don’t really want it. Yet some people don’t seem to have a problem doing that. “I want it! I want it!” they’d say loudly and incessantly. That’s fine, no problem with wanting something; but can you pay the price tag attached? Don’t buy a diamond if what you can afford is cubic zirconia because that’s dumb. And you’re not dumb, are you? Emotionally retarded, perhaps, but surely not dumb? Knowing that you aren’t only unwilling but incapable of doing the necessary things to obtain and maintain me, why want me then?
I didn’t leave that night. Instead we went back to his place and he cried and I held him while he slept and we spent several days in blissful oblivion that can only come from ignorance as I worked overtime to silence or at least mute the voices in my head telling me to quickly jump this sinking ship and swim as hard as I could towards the safety and sanity of shore.
You see, for me it was love. Foolish, stupid love, perhaps, but love nevertheless. The kind of love that hopes for the best and holds the faith that everything may just work out. Though this time, it certainly didn’t.
Another night, in his room. We were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, both silent. He was looking at me, I was looking whichever way as long as it wasn’t his. The only sounds in the room provided by the TV that he, for no reason I could comprehend, insisted on keeping on most of the time.
“You’re really special,” he’d finally said. “You deserve someone better, someone who can give you everything you want, who can make you happy.”
As I drew a long breath in, lowering my eyes and looking sideways, sighing while my head shuffled my thoughts around like a deck of cards, as emotions bang against each other and knocking one another over, I thought, “So what else is new?”
That was a week ago. Every night since then I’ve received texts and calls along the lines of, “We can’t be together but I love you and miss you but I know we can’t be together but…”
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
Somebody that I Used to Know – Gotye ft. Kimbra
I’ve gotten up and shaken it off; now I’m moving on. Bring on the next heartbreak.