Crash and Burn: A Reconnaissance

“So will I ever be on your blog?” You asked jokingly.

I took a moment and thought about it. “Maybe. If we don’t end well.” I shot back with a grin.

And now here we are. I don’t know whether it ended badly or not; but for all intents and purposes, we had to end. That was years ago. And this is yet another blog entry which I typed, pondered on, and promptly forgot about.

***

It all began innocently enough. Well, as innocent as an invitation of a three-way with a (male/male) married couple can be: a clean-fun, uncomplicated, no-muss no-fuss wham-bam-this-pierced-and-tattooed-man/boy-is-sweet-as-strawberry-jam, easy peasy KY jelly arrangement. And it was supposed to stay that way. However, we all know that ‘supposed to’ don’t ever really mean much, does it? We like to think that all – or at least most – of the time we have a handle on situations, that things are under our control.

But they’re not.

So it got complicated, as it always does when feelings come into the equation, when attraction grows into infatuation then identified as love, while undercurrents pushing and pulling underneath the surface rise and create waves and things that went unsaid bubble up and what at first seemed to be a calm and idyllic scenery becomes a malevolent storm.

“I love you.” You said.

“I love you, too.” I said. Then I thought about it. “I don’t want you to leave him.”

“I don’t want to leave him. I can’t. I love him, too.” You said.

And that was that. We couldn’t, or wouldn’t, lie about it and we told him and for a while it was the three of us, an incomplete triangle

“I just want you.” You said.

“But…” I said, hesitant.

I didn’t mean for it to happen, or at least for things to go the way they did, but in the end what does that matter anyway? The result always trumps the intent.

Anyway…

It devolved and dissolved into tears, into screams, tension, pain, and mind games and heart games followed by more tears and more screams. Was it all worth it? Yes. At least for me. Despite the cost, I learned about myself in those few yet interminably long weeks. I know more about my boundaries, about relationships, about the weakness of others and my own damn vulnerability. I learned about the lies we’re all capable of telling ourselves simply to just keep going another day because otherwise we’d close our eyes at night and wish that we’d never wake. I learned that dreams, no matter how beautiful they may be, end eventually in the light of day. I learned that I can love, unconditionally if need be, but I also know when and how to stop, turn around, and walk away.

***

Last I heard, they were still together and doing fine. Last I checked, I’m still single and, though I do have my moments, very happy about it.

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